a quarter down
on letting go, self-control, and temptations
March 31, 2025—another month has passed and i’m still messing up. i still manage to start my days at 3 PM. i went through unlearning old patterns and embracing new ones, and sometimes, just circling back to what i thought i had already got a hang of.
i need to get up
i need to brush my teeth
i need to take my meds
i need to delete my social media
i need to take a shower
i need to relax
i need to move
i need to talk to someone
i need to make money
i need to go home
i need to study
i need to read more
i need to make art more
i need to get an internship
i need to forgive myself
i need to be better
i need to pee
i need to be held
i need to see my friends more
i need to speak up more
i need to love myself more
i need to make myself new
i need to be seen
there’s probably an undeniable peace that comes in letting go of control, in believing that what is truly yours will always find its way back to you.
i wouldn’t fully know.
i had this brief, passing conversation with my friends over coffee. it’s not easy to trust in something so abstract, especially in a society that glorifies chasing and achieving.
the thought that “what is meant for you will always find its way to you”, sometimes feels less like a reassuring statement and more like a comforting lie i tell to myself.
i’ve spent months and months questioning the timing of my life, wondering if i missed out on opportunities, or if i wasn’t enough for certain dreams to take place. there were moments i clung too tightly on things afraid of losing them. those very things; idealizations, goals, ambitions— slipped away anyway. at the time, it felt like failure.
life felt like it was punishing me for not being stronger, smarter, or more deserving. with time, i’ve come to understand and realize that not everything that leaves is a loss. there are things that aren’t mine to keep, no matter how much i want them for myself.
every day, i remind myself to release my grip on control, to make space for what is meant to arrive and happen. and it doesn’t mean i should stop trying. it means to stop forcing. to stop controlling things that are completely out of my control. i believe we should always work toward what we want and leave the outcome in God’s hands.
“everything i lose creates space for everything i need.”
this sentence seems more hopeful. when life felt stagnant or when the absence of what i long for became so unbearable, the doubt creeped in. “what if i’ve been waiting for nothing?” or “what if the things meant for me were already lost along the way?”
with enough hopecore i’ve consumed from all over tiktok, instagram, tumblr, and facebook, i constantly had to remind myself that nothing truly ever meant for me can be lost. whatever doors that are meant to open for me will open when the time is right, and the ones that remain closed was never mine to walk through.
in the moments when i pause to reflect before i go to sleep, i see glimpses of this truth. i’ve seen how my heartbreaks shaped my strength, how missed opportunities redirected me to better paths, and how the things i once thought i couldn’t live without have gave way to things i can’t imagine living without now.
i wouldn’t trade myself the way i am right now for anything even if it requires me in meeting life halfway. the closure to this isn’t in reaching my end goal, but in finding peace and acceptance along the way, in knowing that even if today feels incomplete, everything somehow falls into place.
and so, i choose to walk forward with an open heart and open hands, trusting the process and believing in God’s guidance and wisdom. because what is meant for me will always find me, and when it does, it will feel like coming home.
“Whoever watches the wind will not plant; whoever looks at the clouds will not reap. As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things. Sow your seed in the morning, and at evening let your hands not be idle, for you do not know which will succeed, whether this or that, or whether both will do equally well.”
Ecclesiastes 11:4-6 NIV: New International Version
estefany