nineteen
what if i'm never ready?
my last day as a teenager
sometimes i wonder what my life would be like if i didn’t do the things i did. what would it be like if i hadn’t transfer schools? if i hadn’t met my friends? if i hadn’t made those decisions i thought was for the best? what would it be like if i hadn’t met the people who made me the way i am today?
there are endless doubts, what ifs, and possibilities to overthink about. despite everything, if i was given the chance to restart and pick another path, i’d still pick this one. i’ve loved and i’ve lost. i got hurt and still continue to get hurt. the things i went through all my teenage years seems bittersweet now with an aftertaste of nostalgia.
nostalgia is my favorite word.
today, i woke up in my teenage bed with a heavy heart and looming sense of anxiety, from carrying my childhood memories around with me in my pocket, in hopes that i never lose them. this is my last day as a teenager, and i’ll no longer be given the grace i took for granted by tomorrow.
i lie in my bed staring at the grainy ceiling which have been watching over me all these years. my mom prepared food for me as always and my alarm rang as i continued sobbing under my blanket. i clung on to my dad before he left for work feeling like a little kid all over again. i fell asleep to the scent of my sheets. the comfort within the sadness of remembering. the sentimental feeling of wanting to return to something or the wistful yearning for a place or the person i haven’t been for a long time.
it’s bittersweet.
having to look at photos that pops up on my ‘on this day, a few years ago’. a constant reminder of a life i once had, yet it feels like someone else’s life i envy. like dreams and random declarations i had when i was fourteen, when i was so hopeful and yet so unsure of everything. i sit on my bed typing this down and spend the rest of the night gathering my thoughts which reminds me of why i fell in love with writing.
nostalgia is my favorite word. perhaps because it describes the the pain of my longing and the relief of constantly remembering.
cheers to my twenties!
estefany