overwhelmingly too much

my april subconscious

two nights ago, i went to ed sheeran’s concert. i had a really good time, although i do wish i’d been in the standing crowd instead.

i don’t know what came over me the next day. i felt extremely euphoric and sad at the same time. maybe it was the post-concert haze, but i kept replaying that night in my head, wishing i was with him when ed sang give me love, tenerife sea, thinking out loud, photograph, lego house, castle on the hill, perfect, and his new song, old phone.

i showed up to the office. dad dropped me off and i clocked in at 10:35 am. i didn’t take a shower, i didn’t put on powder, just a lip balm for color so i didn’t look pale. my hair was greasy when i tied it up and i hated that feeling. i had no article to be done so i worked on the first part of the 200 pages anxiety workbook my psychologist gave me.

i clocked out at exactly 3:35 pm, i stayed in a little longer because i thought i could help out a little in what they were doing. right when i was saying goodbye, i heard one of them say “ang hina naman ng boses niya.”

i left carrying my two bags with me down the elevator. i crossed the road, opened the big wide door to souq waqif station, i topped up my metro card with 10 qr, i sat in the metro and i pulled out my headphones to listen to the original soundtracks of d.p.. my bags were heavy, my lower back hurt, and those words kept running through my head.

it’s been almost a month since i started going to the internship. it’s been scary having this constant pressure to interact with everyone especially in a workspace environment. i go home feeling completely drained and realizing that if this is the closest thing i could experience corporate life, i’d hate sitting all day in the office.

impostor syndrome has been taking a toll on me lately. i’ve made a few interview questions, short scripts, a resume, an essay of why i want to pursue journalism, and three articles all within the past month. still, there’s this looming insecurity of not belonging and feeling incompetent in that space as if i’m only there for the logbook.

i’ve stayed in my comfort zone for too long. i’ve gone way too comfortable in rotting in bed all day and not sticking to a strict schedule. a huge part of my social life has been compromised and it’s been apparent in the way my voice shakes and automatically quiets down the moment i speak to other people. i’m pretty sure it’s selective mutism.

a harsh truth that i’ve had to come to terms with (and am still having to come to terms with) is that you can’t have what you want without risking the vulnerability of being seen in your desire. from speaking up, striking up a conversation, confirming plans, asking questions, and following up on an email or message i sent a few weeks ago.

i realized my fear of being as “too much” has been holding me back in so many things. i shy away from revealing my intensity too fast or too soon, or sometimes even ever, because i think it might be seen as too desperate or will be perceived as embarrassing. that’s how i felt when i submitted the long essay of why i wanted to pursue journalism.

estefany

song recommendation: old phone by ed sheeran